1
00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:03,741
The morning you first left for uni,

2
00:00:03,741 --> 00:00:05,501
your nan took you
for a full English,

3
00:00:05,501 --> 00:00:08,341
knowing it may well be the last
before she was too poorly

4
00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:11,141
to do a competitive
all-you-can-eat-breakfast challenge.

5
00:00:11,141 --> 00:00:15,021
Can't believe I've a grandson
off to university.

6
00:00:15,021 --> 00:00:16,821
Feel like the fucking Queen.

7
00:00:16,821 --> 00:00:20,421
Oi. Look, it's Brent Uni,
all right? Not St Andrews.

8
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,221
There's kids studying mime, for
fuck's sake.

9
00:00:22,221 --> 00:00:24,621
Well, mime's still better than
the dole.

10
00:00:24,621 --> 00:00:27,461
Got your pressies before you go. Oh.

11
00:00:30,501 --> 00:00:32,221
Sudocrem.

12
00:00:32,221 --> 00:00:33,821
JLS johnnies, only the best.

13
00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:36,021
Corsodyl?

14
00:00:36,021 --> 00:00:39,261
Bleeding gums put women off.
Trust me.

15
00:00:39,261 --> 00:00:42,821
Right. Listen, if there's
any problems, OK,

16
00:00:42,821 --> 00:00:45,181
promise me you'll just call me
and I'll come racing back.

17
00:00:45,181 --> 00:00:46,541
Oh. All right.

18
00:00:46,541 --> 00:00:49,781
There's loads of people round here
that can help you an' all. I know.

19
00:00:49,781 --> 00:00:53,141
Let's not spoil now. OK.

20
00:00:53,141 --> 00:00:55,381
Has your dad text to say goodbye
at all?

21
00:00:56,461 --> 00:00:58,461
No. What a wanker.

22
00:00:58,461 --> 00:00:59,981
Oi.

23
00:00:59,981 --> 00:01:02,061
Let's not spoil now.

24
00:01:02,061 --> 00:01:04,221
Nan and Dan for ever.

25
00:01:04,221 --> 00:01:06,461
Dan and Nan for ever.

26
00:01:09,421 --> 00:01:10,821
Come on, big hug.

27
00:01:13,861 --> 00:01:17,741
I love you. I love you.

28
00:01:17,741 --> 00:01:19,101
I love you.

29
00:01:19,101 --> 00:01:21,061
I love you, too.

30
00:01:21,061 --> 00:01:23,941
Now, don't pull a minger!

31
00:01:25,261 --> 00:01:26,901
All right?

32
00:01:26,901 --> 00:01:28,101
Bye. Ta-rah!

33
00:01:35,141 --> 00:01:37,821
Every freshers event was always
about sex,

34
00:01:37,821 --> 00:01:41,261
from the school disco party, where
everyone dressed as slutty versions

35
00:01:41,261 --> 00:01:43,501
of the children they were only
four years before,

36
00:01:43,501 --> 00:01:44,981
to the traffic light party,

37
00:01:44,981 --> 00:01:48,621
where lads with loving girlfriends
back home still dressed in green

38
00:01:48,621 --> 00:01:51,141
but Yemi, as LGBT society president,

39
00:01:51,141 --> 00:01:53,261
wanted to make everything
a bit more inclusive.

40
00:01:53,261 --> 00:01:57,901
We are here, we are queer
and we are wearing cotton sheer.

41
00:01:57,901 --> 00:02:00,701
Yo, we're going to set up this LGBT 
stand

42
00:02:00,701 --> 00:02:03,341
and then we're going to get fucking
wasted. Woo! Yeah!

43
00:02:03,341 --> 00:02:06,061
I've had my city-city pram-pram,
I'm in a good mood

44
00:02:06,061 --> 00:02:07,461
and I'm ready to get wood.

45
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:11,261
Danny, I'm chuffed that you can get
an erection but do we have to hear
about it every five minutes?

46
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,141
Yes, because it's a medical miracle.

47
00:02:13,141 --> 00:02:16,101
Me and Jackie boy here, we are
fully out to fuck a fresher.

48
00:02:16,101 --> 00:02:19,901
OK... That sounds quite predatory,
but, yeah. Yeah, we are.

49
00:02:19,901 --> 00:02:22,141
Mate, some of the birds at this uni
are older than me.

50
00:02:22,141 --> 00:02:23,941
Amy from fine arts, 37.

51
00:02:23,941 --> 00:02:26,021
Diane from illustration is 43.

52
00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:27,981
Yeah, and both are married. Yes.

53
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,981
And what do you think creative,
unhappily married women do, right?

54
00:02:30,981 --> 00:02:34,701
They fill out a UCAS form
and they fuck their way through
a short-term arts degree.

55
00:02:34,701 --> 00:02:37,261
Hello, Mummy. You repulse me sometimes.

56
00:02:37,261 --> 00:02:38,901
Yeah, I repulse myself.

57
00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:41,221
Anyway, you're going to be
entertaining Spencer later,

58
00:02:41,221 --> 00:02:44,901
so just try not to think about my
raging hard-ons all night long, OK?

59
00:02:44,901 --> 00:02:46,061
God.

60
00:02:46,061 --> 00:02:49,301
You know how normally when straight
guys talk about their dicks,
I'm aroused?

61
00:02:49,301 --> 00:02:52,381
With you, I'm just bored.
OK, fine.

62
00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:55,501
I won't make any more mentions
of my erections for the rest
of the evening.

63
00:02:55,501 --> 00:02:57,821
Touch wood! Oh, come on.

64
00:02:57,821 --> 00:02:59,381
SHE CHUCKLES

65
00:03:01,901 --> 00:03:03,821
Jackie boy, are you going to help
us?

66
00:03:03,821 --> 00:03:05,581
I am putting this sign up
for your lot.

67
00:03:05,581 --> 00:03:09,101
Sorry, I just can't seem to get any
good 3G signal down here.

68
00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:12,541
I'm streaming Strictly Come Dancing.
Oh, fuck's sake.

69
00:03:12,541 --> 00:03:15,021
What? It's Alison Hammond's
first week.

70
00:03:15,021 --> 00:03:17,301
She's doing the cha-cha-cha
to Chaka Khan.

71
00:03:17,301 --> 00:03:18,741
I don't give a cha-cha-shit, mate.

72
00:03:18,741 --> 00:03:20,421
We're supposed to be on the pull.

73
00:03:20,421 --> 00:03:23,541
Tonight is about
strictly come... dumping.

74
00:03:23,541 --> 00:03:26,701
Big finger in the house!
SHE CHUCKLES

75
00:03:26,701 --> 00:03:28,701
Look who's back.
Oh, no, actually, sorry.

76
00:03:28,701 --> 00:03:30,621
Erm, why are you dressed like that?

77
00:03:30,621 --> 00:03:32,101
It's the traffic light party, innit?

78
00:03:32,101 --> 00:03:34,221
No, it's first years only,
I'm afraid.

79
00:03:34,221 --> 00:03:35,421
Are you kidding me?

80
00:03:35,421 --> 00:03:37,821
We actually have really strict rules
about this kind of thing

81
00:03:37,821 --> 00:03:39,661
because of last year's
traffic lights,

82
00:03:39,661 --> 00:03:42,381
when I caught a couple
of our caretakers
head to toe green boilersuits

83
00:03:42,381 --> 00:03:43,981
skulking around after the students.

84
00:03:43,981 --> 00:03:46,621
They were, like, 23, 24. It's like
really disgusting creeps.

85
00:03:46,621 --> 00:03:49,581
It's not disgusting. You're 26, right?

86
00:03:49,581 --> 00:03:51,981
Yeah. OK. Thank you.
That's very sweet.

87
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:54,381
OK, guys. Right, BRB.

88
00:03:54,381 --> 00:03:55,661
I'm going to pop on my...

89
00:03:55,661 --> 00:03:58,701
♪ Apple bottom jeans
Boots with the fur... ♪

90
00:03:58,701 --> 00:03:59,901
Do you believe it?

91
00:03:59,901 --> 00:04:02,861
Look, to be honest, Danny, the best
way for you to actually pull tonight

92
00:04:02,861 --> 00:04:05,501
is by you leaning into the fact that
you are an older gentleman.

93
00:04:05,501 --> 00:04:07,301
Older gentleman? Precisely.

94
00:04:07,301 --> 00:04:09,181
You want to compete with all the
new arrives?

95
00:04:09,181 --> 00:04:11,901
You've got to present like
a hot classic car.

96
00:04:11,901 --> 00:04:14,061
Capitalise.

97
00:04:14,061 --> 00:04:15,621
Yeah.

98
00:04:15,621 --> 00:04:17,341
OK.

99
00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:20,621
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

100
00:04:30,101 --> 00:04:32,261
Jack, why aren't you out there?

101
00:04:32,261 --> 00:04:34,701
He's FaceTiming Peggy, while she
holds the iPad up to the telly

102
00:04:34,701 --> 00:04:36,181
playing Strictly.

103
00:04:36,181 --> 00:04:37,381
What the fuck are you wearing?

104
00:04:37,381 --> 00:04:39,141
Hello, Danny babe.

105
00:04:39,141 --> 00:04:40,661
Jack, give me the phone.

106
00:04:40,661 --> 00:04:42,221
Look... Hey, Pegs.

107
00:04:42,221 --> 00:04:45,461
Listen, me and Jack are supposed
to be out on the pull tonight, so...

108
00:04:45,461 --> 00:04:48,141
And why are you dressed like
Richard Hammond, then?

109
00:04:48,141 --> 00:04:49,301
Sorry!

110
00:04:49,301 --> 00:04:51,221
Are Alison and Richard related?

111
00:04:51,221 --> 00:04:53,541
Peggy, do you want your son
watching ballroom dancing

112
00:04:53,541 --> 00:04:56,381
on a Saturday night, or do you want
him out here living his life?

113
00:04:56,381 --> 00:04:58,021
Actually, you're totally right there.

114
00:04:58,021 --> 00:05:00,621
You know, tell Jack I'm going
to hang up now. All right, OK.

115
00:05:00,621 --> 00:05:02,741
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

116
00:05:02,741 --> 00:05:07,061
No, I'm keeping this until you get
out there and chat up some gay boys.

117
00:05:08,181 --> 00:05:11,061
Fine. Homophobe. Dweeb.

118
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,541
Some prick's just nominated me for
the ice bucket challenge.

119
00:05:13,541 --> 00:05:14,661
Jules? Yes.

120
00:05:14,661 --> 00:05:16,621
She nominated me twice this week.

121
00:05:16,621 --> 00:05:19,381
It's attention-seeking masquerading
as a charitable endeavour.

122
00:05:19,381 --> 00:05:21,781
It's girls in white T-shirts
getting soaked in ice water

123
00:05:21,781 --> 00:05:23,461
for motor neurone disease.
Yes, please.

124
00:05:23,461 --> 00:05:25,341
You're despicable. I know.

125
00:05:25,341 --> 00:05:27,941
Right, Spencer is here, so I'm going
to go.

126
00:05:27,941 --> 00:05:30,461
OK. Good luck, pal. Go get 'em.

127
00:05:34,781 --> 00:05:36,221
STRICTLY THEME PLAYS

128
00:05:36,221 --> 00:05:37,541
Oh, it's sad, though.

129
00:05:37,541 --> 00:05:41,221
It's sad how a Latin American
movement pattern can wreck a home.

130
00:05:41,221 --> 00:05:44,021
What? Strictly curse.

131
00:05:44,021 --> 00:05:46,621
It absolutely terrifies me.

132
00:05:46,621 --> 00:05:48,981
You don't date a celeb, though.

133
00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:51,901
Peggy, I'm a party planner.
I'm around celebs all the time.

134
00:05:51,901 --> 00:05:54,141
I could... I could easily meet
a celeb.

135
00:05:54,141 --> 00:05:57,541
And then one day he'd probably
leave me for a Russian woman

136
00:05:57,541 --> 00:05:58,861
with amazing posture.

137
00:05:58,861 --> 00:06:02,581
Maybe focus on dating
a non-celeb first.

138
00:06:02,581 --> 00:06:05,221
Have you told the father yet?

139
00:06:05,221 --> 00:06:08,341
No. I don't see why I should have to.

140
00:06:08,341 --> 00:06:10,661
We both know that the best way
to get on The Apprentice

141
00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:13,901
is to be a single mum
and an independent business owner.

142
00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:17,901
It's common decency to let someone
know when they've knocked you up.

143
00:06:17,901 --> 00:06:21,381
At the very least,
kids are fucking expensive.

144
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,301
You're going to need a hand.
OK, then. Fine.

145
00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:26,261
I will order something from Asos.

146
00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:29,341
What? Why? You're skint.

147
00:06:29,341 --> 00:06:31,341
The father's a next-day delivery driver.

148
00:06:33,781 --> 00:06:36,101
Oh, God.

149
00:06:36,101 --> 00:06:40,941
It began with, you know, just a
little parcel here and there and...

150
00:06:40,941 --> 00:06:42,381
Thank you.

151
00:06:42,381 --> 00:06:43,781
See ya.

152
00:06:43,781 --> 00:06:46,061
You know, a bit of flirty banter
at the door and...

153
00:06:46,061 --> 00:06:48,781
SHE GIGGLES
Stop it!

154
00:06:48,781 --> 00:06:49,941
Oh.

155
00:06:49,941 --> 00:06:52,141
He came on pretty strong.

156
00:06:53,301 --> 00:06:56,581
And, yeah, I was feeling
a little bit lonely, so...

157
00:06:56,581 --> 00:06:58,861
Right.

158
00:06:58,861 --> 00:07:02,221
Well, I hope he ain't
a Hermes delivery driver.

159
00:07:04,181 --> 00:07:06,021
I wouldn't go there.

160
00:07:06,021 --> 00:07:07,701
I would never go there.

161
00:07:12,221 --> 00:07:14,141
Asos.

162
00:07:14,141 --> 00:07:15,181
Yeah.

163
00:07:16,501 --> 00:07:19,781
The other day I had a hook-up
and as I was leaving the guy's room,

164
00:07:19,781 --> 00:07:22,781
we realised we'd taken off the exact
same outfit,

165
00:07:22,781 --> 00:07:25,741
same T-shirt, same underwear,
same socks. All of it.

166
00:07:25,741 --> 00:07:27,381
Happens all the time. Yeah.

167
00:07:27,381 --> 00:07:30,301
I looked inside one of the pairs
of pants to see if it was my size,

168
00:07:30,301 --> 00:07:32,261
and I just saw this huge crusty
skid mark

169
00:07:32,261 --> 00:07:34,901
straight down the middle of them.

170
00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:36,981
That's how I knew they were mine.

171
00:07:38,741 --> 00:07:42,461
Anyone who plays their cards right
gets to check if I'm joking or not.

172
00:07:45,221 --> 00:07:47,181
Do you guys want a hooch?

173
00:07:47,181 --> 00:07:48,661
Please don't talk to me.

174
00:07:48,661 --> 00:07:49,861
Yes.

175
00:07:49,861 --> 00:07:52,581
Thanks, er, Oscar.

176
00:07:52,581 --> 00:07:54,261
Hey. No worries...

177
00:07:55,701 --> 00:07:56,781
...Jack.

178
00:07:57,981 --> 00:07:59,941
I'll get you a hooch.

179
00:07:59,941 --> 00:08:01,381
I like your earrings.

180
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:04,021
Thanks. My boyfriend got them
for me. OK.

181
00:08:04,021 --> 00:08:06,101
I'm from Argentina. Oh, wow.

182
00:08:06,101 --> 00:08:07,981
I don't know anything about Argentina,

183
00:08:07,981 --> 00:08:10,981
apart from obviously when Beckham
got the red card.

184
00:08:10,981 --> 00:08:14,181
David Beckham kicked Diego Simeone
in '98.

185
00:08:14,181 --> 00:08:16,101
Er, I was born in '96.

186
00:08:16,101 --> 00:08:17,141
You...

187
00:08:18,341 --> 00:08:24,501
So this is, I'd say, 65 to 75% of
my Ty Beanie Baby collection,

188
00:08:24,501 --> 00:08:27,861
the vast majority of which will have
to be bought in...

189
00:08:27,861 --> 00:08:29,861
Whilst you were getting your ear
chewed off,

190
00:08:29,861 --> 00:08:31,981
I managed to pull a really fit guy
of my own age,

191
00:08:31,981 --> 00:08:34,021
which meant I got my phone back
and I got...

192
00:08:34,021 --> 00:08:36,261
Dandruff check. Oh, yeah.

193
00:08:37,821 --> 00:08:40,861
Have you douched?
Um, that's not on my checklist.

194
00:08:40,861 --> 00:08:43,741
I know, but if you're going to be
mating, you've got to get excavated.

195
00:08:43,741 --> 00:08:45,101
OK, OK. Thanks, Danny.

196
00:08:45,101 --> 00:08:47,541
So, what are you going to be
studying? Er, PR.

197
00:08:47,541 --> 00:08:50,181
Oh, cool, cool. Yeah.
I mean, we need PRs, right?

198
00:08:50,181 --> 00:08:52,341
Cos people always have affairs
that need covering.

199
00:08:52,341 --> 00:08:54,301
Er, yeah, sure.

200
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,141
So what do you teach?

201
00:08:56,141 --> 00:08:59,221
Sorry... teach? Yeah. What are you,
like, a lecturer or...?

202
00:08:59,221 --> 00:09:00,581
No, I'm...

203
00:09:02,101 --> 00:09:03,581
PE.

204
00:09:03,581 --> 00:09:06,421
I mean, anyone with a history
of depression who spent weeks

205
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:09,781
watching daytime telly in bed with
her as their only source of joy...

206
00:09:09,781 --> 00:09:11,301
Loves Alison.

207
00:09:12,421 --> 00:09:14,461
Completely.

208
00:09:14,461 --> 00:09:16,381
Thanks for letting me tether
to your 3G.

209
00:09:17,781 --> 00:09:19,141
It's romantic, innit?

210
00:09:20,381 --> 00:09:21,621
Tethering.

211
00:09:25,741 --> 00:09:28,021
AUDIENCE CHEERS ON STRICTLY

212
00:09:28,021 --> 00:09:30,421
I'm... Sorry.

213
00:09:30,421 --> 00:09:34,261
I really want to do this,
but I need to watch this.

214
00:09:34,261 --> 00:09:35,981
Oh, yeah? Yeah, sure, sure.

215
00:09:37,701 --> 00:09:41,341
Alison's also just like a really
adept, proficient journalist.

216
00:09:41,341 --> 00:09:44,341
Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
I always say that.

217
00:09:44,341 --> 00:09:46,261
Well, you are a journalism student, so...

218
00:09:48,301 --> 00:09:50,821
Hey, look, I'm going to be
right back. I just need to...

219
00:09:52,101 --> 00:09:56,021
♪ I get lost in my thoughts
and for hours of time

220
00:09:56,021 --> 00:10:01,661
♪ And it's making me feel
like I'm not alone any more

221
00:10:02,781 --> 00:10:05,101
♪ To be honest, to be honest

222
00:10:09,061 --> 00:10:13,341
♪ I'm trying to love
but I'm afraid to kill... ♪

223
00:10:13,341 --> 00:10:15,941
You hadn't had a text from your dad
in years.

224
00:10:15,941 --> 00:10:19,301
♪ ..When to search or stay still
So I fly... ♪

225
00:10:20,341 --> 00:10:21,541
Where is he?

226
00:10:22,821 --> 00:10:24,101
I need a tether.

227
00:10:25,741 --> 00:10:28,301
♪ ..Broken and yet tender

228
00:10:30,141 --> 00:10:32,821
♪ Always in and always out... ♪

229
00:10:34,461 --> 00:10:35,581
You OK?

230
00:10:37,421 --> 00:10:38,981
I can't find Oscar anywhere.

231
00:10:44,141 --> 00:10:46,541
You sure you're OK?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

232
00:10:46,541 --> 00:10:49,101
Erm, I think I might go, actually.

233
00:10:50,981 --> 00:10:52,141
Yeah.

234
00:10:55,581 --> 00:10:57,661
Yeah, let's go.

235
00:10:57,661 --> 00:11:00,421
No, no, look, mate, I don't want to
ruin your night, like, you just...

236
00:11:00,421 --> 00:11:02,021
It's all good. Let's go.

237
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:09,821
Despite our efforts to fuck
a fresher, we got back to the shed

238
00:11:09,821 --> 00:11:12,941
to find our flatmates were the ones
getting fucked instead.

239
00:11:12,941 --> 00:11:16,381
BED CREAKS, LOUD MOANING

240
00:11:16,381 --> 00:11:17,701
10.15pm.

241
00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:19,781
It's the final day in Chelmsford,

242
00:11:19,781 --> 00:11:23,141
and the food at Gavin's Caribbean
theme night has shocked his guests,

243
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,661
as has his special package.

244
00:11:26,981 --> 00:11:29,381
Come Dine With Me, Channel 4.
Yeah. All right.

245
00:11:29,381 --> 00:11:31,181
But what specific channel?

246
00:11:31,181 --> 00:11:34,261
Oh, considering time of broadcast.

247
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:35,381
E4 plus one.

248
00:11:35,381 --> 00:11:37,221
Bad luck. More4.

249
00:11:37,221 --> 00:11:40,821
MOANING INTENSIFIES

250
00:11:42,021 --> 00:11:43,421
Oh, fuck!

251
00:11:43,421 --> 00:11:45,061
Are you OK, mate?

252
00:11:45,061 --> 00:11:48,701
Yeah. I mean, the girl I actually
like is being railed next door,

253
00:11:48,701 --> 00:11:51,661
right after the fresher I was
chirpsing mistook me for -

254
00:11:51,661 --> 00:11:52,981
wait for it - a lecturer.

255
00:11:52,981 --> 00:11:55,501
So, yeah, I've had better nights.

256
00:11:55,501 --> 00:11:56,621
You?

257
00:11:56,621 --> 00:11:59,181
I'm just annoyed this Oscar guy disappeared.

258
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:03,421
I was finally chipsing someone
I really liked.

259
00:12:04,541 --> 00:12:06,221
Chirpsing.

260
00:12:06,221 --> 00:12:08,061
Chirps... chirpsing.

261
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,941
Chirpsing. There we go.

262
00:12:12,021 --> 00:12:15,421
You dirty pig! You dirty
fucking pig!

263
00:12:15,421 --> 00:12:18,301
Right, just eat Monster Munch, mate.
It drowns out the sound.

264
00:12:18,301 --> 00:12:22,541
Go on, get it in your mouth. Yeah.
Crunch, crunch, crunch.

265
00:12:36,061 --> 00:12:39,181
♪ Open your eyes

266
00:12:44,741 --> 00:12:46,821
♪ Wake up in the daylight... ♪

267
00:12:46,821 --> 00:12:48,781
LOUD MOANING

268
00:12:48,781 --> 00:12:52,101
Ooh, Oscar! You dirty boy!

269
00:12:52,101 --> 00:12:55,301
Oh, please say I'm dreaming that.

270
00:12:55,301 --> 00:12:57,341
Do you like that? Do you like it?

271
00:12:57,341 --> 00:12:58,861
Soz, mate.

272
00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:01,661
You naughty boy, Oscar!

273
00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:16,781
All right?

274
00:13:16,781 --> 00:13:18,501
Yes.

275
00:13:18,501 --> 00:13:21,661
Spencer just left.
Oh! Wait, was Spencer here?

276
00:13:21,661 --> 00:13:23,981
Oh, I didn't realise that.
Shut up, Danny.

277
00:13:23,981 --> 00:13:26,621
These walls are thin.
Yes, I know, Corinne.

278
00:13:26,621 --> 00:13:29,341
Sadly, Jack here got with a lad
called Oscar last night.

279
00:13:29,341 --> 00:13:30,861
Why is that sad?

280
00:13:30,861 --> 00:13:33,901
Because he came back and fucked
Yemi. Sorry, Jack. Oh, dear.

281
00:13:33,901 --> 00:13:35,861
Good morning. Good morning.

282
00:13:35,861 --> 00:13:37,621
Morning.

283
00:13:37,621 --> 00:13:38,861
Good morning, Jack.

284
00:13:40,741 --> 00:13:42,581
CROCKERY CLATTERS

285
00:13:44,101 --> 00:13:46,341
Corinne, babe, I think we need
to talk volume.

286
00:13:46,341 --> 00:13:49,501
Oh, do we? Mm-hm. Lots. Oh.

287
00:13:57,541 --> 00:13:59,741
What's up with her?
You fucked Oscar.

288
00:13:59,741 --> 00:14:01,421
That's who Jack likes. What?

289
00:14:01,421 --> 00:14:02,941
Yeah, we all heard you.

290
00:14:05,421 --> 00:14:06,621
Oh, shit.

291
00:14:08,061 --> 00:14:10,061
I'm sorry. Mm-hm.

292
00:14:10,061 --> 00:14:12,421
Right, I need to get some sleep.
Oh, shit.

293
00:14:13,901 --> 00:14:16,981
Oh, he's quite sexy, Shan.

294
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:19,141
Is he? Yeah.

295
00:14:19,141 --> 00:14:21,301
We only really did it
for about four minutes

296
00:14:21,301 --> 00:14:23,221
before he had to deliver another parcel.

297
00:14:23,221 --> 00:14:25,981
Oh, poor boy. Poor boy?

298
00:14:25,981 --> 00:14:27,981
Poor me, more like.

299
00:14:27,981 --> 00:14:30,701
God, he's not the brightest spark...

300
00:14:32,061 --> 00:14:33,501
...at all.

301
00:14:33,501 --> 00:14:35,541
I don't know how he's going
to take it.

302
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:36,741
DOORBELL RINGS

303
00:14:37,941 --> 00:14:40,621
Wow. That's amazing.

304
00:14:40,621 --> 00:14:43,541
Yeah. And you can, like,
meet the baby and that

305
00:14:43,541 --> 00:14:46,581
but I am fully intending on being
a single mum-trepreneur, so...

306
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:49,781
Well, I can help out as much as you
like or as little as you like.

307
00:14:49,781 --> 00:14:51,501
No, I won't need help, thank you.

308
00:14:51,501 --> 00:14:55,261
Well, let me give you my number.

309
00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:57,821
All right, well, don't write
on the parcel.

310
00:14:57,821 --> 00:14:59,261
And I'll give you my landline.

311
00:14:59,261 --> 00:15:01,701
Don't need to do that. Just in case.

312
00:15:03,301 --> 00:15:05,461
There you go.
I look forward to hearing from you.

313
00:15:05,461 --> 00:15:09,021
Actually, I don't need this.
I'm just going to take that.

314
00:15:09,021 --> 00:15:10,621
I just did that to get you here.

315
00:15:10,621 --> 00:15:13,181
So if you could return that for me,
that'd be great.

316
00:15:13,181 --> 00:15:14,741
OK. OK. Thanks. Bye.

317
00:15:17,021 --> 00:15:20,221
Shannon Papadopoulou, shame on you.

318
00:15:20,221 --> 00:15:21,701
Peggy...

319
00:15:21,701 --> 00:15:23,941
No, he was quite mean to me
out there.

320
00:15:29,741 --> 00:15:31,781
Hey!

321
00:15:31,781 --> 00:15:34,141
Did Alison get through on Strictly
last night?

322
00:15:38,661 --> 00:15:41,661
Are you concerned about
being radicalised to jihad?

323
00:15:41,661 --> 00:15:42,741
What if I am?

324
00:15:42,741 --> 00:15:45,941
The jihadis aren't overly keen on
the uptake from homos, mate.

325
00:15:45,941 --> 00:15:48,261
It says it there. Anyway,
do you want a coffee?

326
00:15:48,261 --> 00:15:49,421
I was going to go get one.

327
00:15:49,421 --> 00:15:51,381
What happened last night?

328
00:15:51,381 --> 00:15:53,941
Yeah, I don't know. I'm sorry.

329
00:15:53,941 --> 00:15:55,661
I went a bit AWOL.

330
00:15:55,661 --> 00:15:58,861
I just felt too drunk,
so I headed home.

331
00:15:58,861 --> 00:16:00,661
Oh, did you now?

332
00:16:00,661 --> 00:16:02,221
Yes.

333
00:16:02,221 --> 00:16:05,061
You didn't go to a big blue shed to
get called a fucking cum slut pig?

334
00:16:06,301 --> 00:16:09,461
Fucking hell. Yeah,
did Yemi tell you what we did?

335
00:16:09,461 --> 00:16:12,101
He didn't have to. We all heard it.
Oh, fuck.

336
00:16:13,741 --> 00:16:16,901
I just really love his shows. What?

337
00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:21,061
Yeah. His shows are, like,
insanely hot.

338
00:16:21,061 --> 00:16:25,421
What shows? I confess, I've been
a fan of Yemi for a while now.

339
00:16:25,421 --> 00:16:27,981
What are you talking about?

340
00:16:27,981 --> 00:16:29,101
Yemi's web...

341
00:16:29,101 --> 00:16:31,301
...cam shows? Yes.

342
00:16:31,301 --> 00:16:34,621
Oscar said Yemi was a webcam performer

343
00:16:34,621 --> 00:16:37,821
and he knew who I was from
Yemi's Instagram,

344
00:16:37,821 --> 00:16:41,661
which makes sense, because he somehow
knew I was a journalism student.

345
00:16:41,661 --> 00:16:42,981
Wait, wait-wait-wait.

346
00:16:42,981 --> 00:16:44,101
So...

347
00:16:44,101 --> 00:16:48,781
So Yemi wanking on webcam to Oscar
is what we all heard?

348
00:16:49,821 --> 00:16:52,101
That makes so much sense
because I kept hearing...

349
00:16:52,101 --> 00:16:53,941
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

350
00:16:55,941 --> 00:16:58,101
Oh, dear, my webcam's fallen over.

351
00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,021
Look, well, good for him, all right?

352
00:17:00,021 --> 00:17:02,021
We can have a word, tell him to
quieten it down.

353
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:05,021
But how Yemi makes his money
is none of our business.

354
00:17:10,421 --> 00:17:12,061
I want to watch.

355
00:17:12,061 --> 00:17:13,901
Good user interface.

356
00:17:13,901 --> 00:17:15,941
Hmm.

357
00:17:15,941 --> 00:17:19,021
Hello. Hi, just doing some homework.

358
00:17:20,501 --> 00:17:23,781
I wanted to apologise, Jack,
for sleeping with Oscar.

359
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:25,301
I'm sorry.

360
00:17:25,301 --> 00:17:27,861
I got you an apology gift that
I'd be more than happy

361
00:17:27,861 --> 00:17:29,261
to assist you in trying.

362
00:17:29,261 --> 00:17:31,701
Oh, is that a clown horn?
Honk, honk.

363
00:17:31,701 --> 00:17:34,261
It's a silicone anal douche.

364
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:35,621
Ooh, no, thank you.

365
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:38,821
So you fill it up with warm water,
spread your cheeks, squat up

366
00:17:38,821 --> 00:17:40,421
your bowels, and then splush!

367
00:17:40,421 --> 00:17:43,861
You expel all demons, pagan spirits
and poo particles.

368
00:17:43,861 --> 00:17:45,661
A fresh bussy for the freshers.

369
00:17:45,661 --> 00:17:47,301
Thank you... Yemi!

370
00:17:47,301 --> 00:17:50,021
When I've finished doing some bits
and bobs in my room, I'll come out

371
00:17:50,021 --> 00:17:51,461
here and give you a tutorial.

372
00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:53,701
You could use that to do
the dishes, mate, couldn't you?

373
00:17:53,701 --> 00:17:56,221
It might mean you actually do them.

374
00:17:57,941 --> 00:18:00,541
Guys, why is he lying
that he fucked Oscar?

375
00:18:00,541 --> 00:18:02,981
Yeah, well, maybe because he's
embarrassed about his job,

376
00:18:02,981 --> 00:18:06,861
which is more reason why
we should not watch his show.

377
00:18:08,901 --> 00:18:10,701
He's on, I hear pony.

378
00:18:10,701 --> 00:18:11,781
This is so wrong.

379
00:18:11,781 --> 00:18:13,261
Don't be such a spoilsport.

380
00:18:13,261 --> 00:18:15,741
You're literally the one reading
a magazine full of tits.

381
00:18:15,741 --> 00:18:18,621
I'm reading an article
about renewable energy.

382
00:18:18,621 --> 00:18:20,741
OK, anyway, I paid for these tits.

383
00:18:20,741 --> 00:18:23,301
Yeah, well, I just paid
5.99 to sign up, so...

384
00:18:23,301 --> 00:18:26,061
No, you didn't, you clicked the free
trial button. Shut up, Jack.

385
00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:28,581
So which one of you dirty bastards
want to come

386
00:18:28,581 --> 00:18:30,941
and lick this shoe clean?

387
00:18:30,941 --> 00:18:32,701
Those are my Doc Martens.

388
00:18:32,701 --> 00:18:35,381
Ha, ha.

389
00:18:35,381 --> 00:18:37,221
All right, lads.

390
00:18:37,221 --> 00:18:39,061
Danny, come here, mate. What?

391
00:18:39,061 --> 00:18:41,541
Who's getting the drink in tonight?

392
00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:43,701
Oh, that's my Hard-fi T-shirt.

393
00:18:43,701 --> 00:18:45,341
♪ Let's have a Kiki

394
00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:46,901
♪ I want to have a Kiki

395
00:18:46,901 --> 00:18:48,181
♪ Lock the doors

396
00:18:48,181 --> 00:18:49,661
♪ Let's have a Kiki

397
00:18:53,221 --> 00:18:55,101
♪ We're being served

398
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:56,461
♪ Ha-ha-honey

399
00:18:56,461 --> 00:18:57,581
What's going on here?

400
00:18:57,581 --> 00:19:03,181
Oh, there's 69 of you dirty
bastards watching me right now.

401
00:19:03,181 --> 00:19:04,341
Thank you.

402
00:19:04,341 --> 00:19:07,901
Special shout-outs go out
to Colin, Olusola.

403
00:19:07,901 --> 00:19:09,661
Brian Blessed - again?

404
00:19:09,661 --> 00:19:10,941
And...

405
00:19:13,781 --> 00:19:18,141
Yo, yo, yo, yo, listen, I'm about to
do a quick costume change.

406
00:19:18,141 --> 00:19:21,941
Stay here, enjoy this
short intermission.

407
00:19:21,941 --> 00:19:23,501
So what's he going to do now?

408
00:19:23,501 --> 00:19:25,021
Is he getting changed, he said?

409
00:19:25,021 --> 00:19:26,101
Busy?

410
00:19:26,101 --> 00:19:27,581
SCREAMING

411
00:19:27,581 --> 00:19:29,301
Right, I'd have thought
you're cleverer

412
00:19:29,301 --> 00:19:32,141
than to let your chatroom username
be your university email address.

413
00:19:32,141 --> 00:19:33,581
Oh, shit.

414
00:19:34,621 --> 00:19:37,541
Right, you're all going to get
one question each.

415
00:19:37,541 --> 00:19:39,901
Only speak if holding the douche.

416
00:19:40,941 --> 00:19:42,261
Erm...

417
00:19:43,861 --> 00:19:45,301
Why are you doing it, babe?

418
00:19:45,301 --> 00:19:48,461
I'm a fashion student making
25 to 30 garments a term.

419
00:19:48,461 --> 00:19:50,781
I cannot afford decent fabrics
without this money.

420
00:19:50,781 --> 00:19:53,221
And how long have you...?
You've had your question.

421
00:19:53,221 --> 00:19:54,981
Pass on the douche.

422
00:19:54,981 --> 00:19:58,781
OK, what stuff do you do?

423
00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:02,541
Sometimes I wank, sometimes
just show body.

424
00:20:02,541 --> 00:20:05,461
Sometimes I'll just be sitting there
talking about RuPaul's Drag Race.

425
00:20:05,461 --> 00:20:07,741
It really depends
what the viewers want.

426
00:20:09,301 --> 00:20:12,901
But can I just say, I told
them both several times

427
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:15,621
that they shouldn't watch, but go
on, how much coin are you making?

428
00:20:15,621 --> 00:20:18,261
Depending on what kind of
show I'm doing...

429
00:20:18,261 --> 00:20:19,581
...roughly 300 a night.

430
00:20:19,581 --> 00:20:21,661
What? £300 a night.

431
00:20:21,661 --> 00:20:23,941
Flipping hell, right now I can
get hard-ons,

432
00:20:23,941 --> 00:20:26,781
I'll bash a few out for some cash.
Shut up, Danny.

433
00:20:26,781 --> 00:20:29,301
OK, enough, I'm really going to need
all of you lot to help me

434
00:20:29,301 --> 00:20:31,021
keep my business on the DL.

435
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:33,701
Yeah, and can I just say
I'm really sorry?

436
00:20:33,701 --> 00:20:35,981
OK, we could just... We could all
hear you.

437
00:20:35,981 --> 00:20:38,381
Yeah, I'm sorry too.

438
00:20:38,381 --> 00:20:40,981
I was just a bit jealous and...

439
00:20:40,981 --> 00:20:45,261
Look, is there anything we can do
to make it up to you?

440
00:20:46,981 --> 00:20:49,461
Despite the humiliation
of being Yemi's sex slave

441
00:20:49,461 --> 00:20:52,661
gimp dildo assistant, this was kind
of making me feel

442
00:20:52,661 --> 00:20:56,741
a bit more confident, knowing that
somewhere Oscar was...

443
00:20:56,741 --> 00:20:58,461
Yeah...

444
00:20:58,461 --> 00:21:01,181
And you felt confident you were
in a good enough place

445
00:21:01,181 --> 00:21:02,781
to text your dad back.

446
00:21:07,421 --> 00:21:09,261
Oh, fuck, it's brilliant.

447
00:21:12,741 --> 00:21:14,501
Oh, thanks.

448
00:21:14,501 --> 00:21:18,141
It's a shame we ain't met
Spencer yet.

449
00:21:18,141 --> 00:21:19,741
He's just really busy at the moment.

450
00:21:19,741 --> 00:21:21,181
He's busy? He is.

451
00:21:21,181 --> 00:21:22,541
He's a poet, isn't he?

452
00:21:22,541 --> 00:21:24,581
Yes, Danny, he's a poet.

453
00:21:24,581 --> 00:21:27,381
And a very good one, actually.

454
00:21:27,381 --> 00:21:29,101
Very good.

455
00:21:29,101 --> 00:21:32,501
Actually, can I take a quick photo
of you?

456
00:21:32,501 --> 00:21:34,541
Why? It's for my nan, I know
it's weird.

457
00:21:34,541 --> 00:21:37,781
She just said... I said I'd send her
pictures of all my mates and...

458
00:21:37,781 --> 00:21:39,541
What, on her own? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

459
00:21:39,541 --> 00:21:42,461
Let me just take that...
OK, right, you ready?

460
00:21:42,461 --> 00:21:45,981
Just say ice bucket challenge!

461
00:21:45,981 --> 00:21:47,261
Argh!

462
00:21:52,541 --> 00:21:54,861
This is fucking cashmere, Yemi.

463
00:21:54,861 --> 00:21:56,061
Woo!

464
00:21:57,381 --> 00:21:58,981
What the fuck is wrong with you?

465
00:22:22,621 --> 00:22:25,901
Subtitles by Red Bee Media